A deep Wound

Growing up my mom abused me verbally and physiologically. She hated being challenged and still does to this day. She would lash out for hours on me and then convice my dad and sometimes the rest of my family what i did was wrong. He would come down stairs and build my trust and then tell me how much my mom loves me and that I need to apologize to her for the way i treated her. She would start these fights over any detection of her authority being challenged. I would be sinned on for hours and then i would be guilted into apologizing. This has created a guilt any time i feel any connection with a women that I feel any affection towards i feel immediate shame. This area needs allot of work.
To cope with these issues i created an alter persona MW which for me is how i am able to public speak so well, sale . The problem is MW allows me to completely guard myself but it he never allows me to be myself. As soon as i reveal mark to women i feel a connection to, i feel immediate shame and cant deal with the pain. I hear hours of shame that makes it so i distance myself. I feel so much distance that the idea of opening up is to much. If a simple text, creates hours of guilt. Imagine a real conversation. This has allowed me to attract women and then get them to flee. Hurt has been caused and i frankly didnt realize it until now.

Somoene close to me was sadly my latest victim. This poor girl tried every way to get to know me but the pain got to unbearable. I even convinced my buddies she was just an adulterous women and that i needed to flee. Though she may not be walking with God. I never even befriended her. TO me the pain was to much..

Its going to be important that i learn how to battle this shame which i hear constally. ALso, that God tranforms my mind to reveal how i am to treat women.

we all want validation in order to block the wound. Sex is one of the deepest form of this validation. Its why Push pull works so well. It tells people they are worth it or wait they arnt. It exploits the lie and then gets them to give away there most valuble part of their body for validation.

We all have wounds and important as a beliver in Jesus i dont feed the wound but instead help destory it. Jesus please continue to heal my wound and help me to be a life giver to others.


Dear Diary

Been a rough past couple days. I frankly hurt someone  close to me. Seeing how this diary is about me i will keep writing about myself.... My child hood was smeared in allot of mental torment by the hands of my mom who happens to me a therapist. She would mentally torture me for hours at a time. Its really a wound that has caused me with any women that i feel vulnerability  towards to get completely guarded. I sadly feel the pain constantly when i get vulnerable at all. The movie Good Will Hunting would be a good description of what i went through .. except instead of physical torture mine was mental and seeing how no one reads this blog but me a good clip would be  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYa6gbDcx18

I share this with you to let you know how much i appreciate your friendship. Rarely do you in life run into a human that is just so kind, sweet, sincere and just a bundle of joy. Let NO one tell you different especially me.

I have hurt enough people because of this wound and frankly i haven't been able to sleep knowing i hurt one more....

Writing this is not easy for me and while i realize you need your distance... Don't be surprised if i need mine.. i will feel this pain as soon i hit submit....

Mark Watson