Dallas Recap

Awesome time hooking up with my cousins Dallas.

Some great stuff came out of our conversation

1. Truth + culture

Its important to know the truth but its just as vital to live it out in the culture.

We are bringing the kingdom of God to the world. The Kingdom of God is a completely differnt way to live. This comes in to play in every area of our life from how we do work, how we treat our bodies, mind, prayer life ext.... ITs our job to choose what area want to be an expression of the kingdwom of God

Next thing was everything in life is a value exchange... We are trading one value for another...

For example if you want a great body you are trading cheat foods for great food..

We contally in life making value exchange....

 Its vital to know the father heart of God... Allot of times we have to go back in areas that we dont belvie Gods heart was for us in order to get that area healed... This is in everything...!!

A deep Wound

Growing up my mom abused me verbally and physiologically. She hated being challenged and still does to this day. She would lash out for hours on me and then convice my dad and sometimes the rest of my family what i did was wrong. He would come down stairs and build my trust and then tell me how much my mom loves me and that I need to apologize to her for the way i treated her. She would start these fights over any detection of her authority being challenged. I would be sinned on for hours and then i would be guilted into apologizing. This has created a guilt any time i feel any connection with a women that I feel any affection towards i feel immediate shame. This area needs allot of work.
To cope with these issues i created an alter persona MW which for me is how i am able to public speak so well, sale . The problem is MW allows me to completely guard myself but it he never allows me to be myself. As soon as i reveal mark to women i feel a connection to, i feel immediate shame and cant deal with the pain. I hear hours of shame that makes it so i distance myself. I feel so much distance that the idea of opening up is to much. If a simple text, creates hours of guilt. Imagine a real conversation. This has allowed me to attract women and then get them to flee. Hurt has been caused and i frankly didnt realize it until now.

Somoene close to me was sadly my latest victim. This poor girl tried every way to get to know me but the pain got to unbearable. I even convinced my buddies she was just an adulterous women and that i needed to flee. Though she may not be walking with God. I never even befriended her. TO me the pain was to much..

Its going to be important that i learn how to battle this shame which i hear constally. ALso, that God tranforms my mind to reveal how i am to treat women.

we all want validation in order to block the wound. Sex is one of the deepest form of this validation. Its why Push pull works so well. It tells people they are worth it or wait they arnt. It exploits the lie and then gets them to give away there most valuble part of their body for validation.

We all have wounds and important as a beliver in Jesus i dont feed the wound but instead help destory it. Jesus please continue to heal my wound and help me to be a life giver to others.


Dear Diary

Been a rough past couple days. I frankly hurt someone  close to me. Seeing how this diary is about me i will keep writing about myself.... My child hood was smeared in allot of mental torment by the hands of my mom who happens to me a therapist. She would mentally torture me for hours at a time. Its really a wound that has caused me with any women that i feel vulnerability  towards to get completely guarded. I sadly feel the pain constantly when i get vulnerable at all. The movie Good Will Hunting would be a good description of what i went through .. except instead of physical torture mine was mental and seeing how no one reads this blog but me a good clip would be  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYa6gbDcx18

I share this with you to let you know how much i appreciate your friendship. Rarely do you in life run into a human that is just so kind, sweet, sincere and just a bundle of joy. Let NO one tell you different especially me.

I have hurt enough people because of this wound and frankly i haven't been able to sleep knowing i hurt one more....

Writing this is not easy for me and while i realize you need your distance... Don't be surprised if i need mine.. i will feel this pain as soon i hit submit....

Mark Watson

Having trouble recovering

i have just about out of debt. I have 10 k put away and yet I
Don't have the motivation to workout , learn new things or just wake up..

These last 5 years were soooo difficult ... That I don't even know how to share it

I don't know how to make commitment , or even workout... I just feel nothing will last

There has been so much change .... Farmers , paramount , solar city , smart Enegy , sun power
Sun run, sun solar , PetersenDean ... Then watching at my new company them fire people left
And right ..... I fixed my eyes so much on on work that my health deteriorated but what choice did
I have I was in 42 k of debt with no health insurance ..... I had terrible acid reflux , a wheat and dairy allergy , a hernia, asthma .... I had no clue I had any of these .... How was I suppose to work out i tried.....
........... I am hurt Lord..... I learned a ton from this but i don't know how to swallow it all .. I know you are good but I have trouble seeing why so much of this was necessary ...

I know the heart is your focus and mine is having trouble beating any more ... I don't know at all
What tomorrow brings.... Jesus I want to wake up excited again, I want to rest again , feel like
My future is hopeful .... I know the answer is don't put your hope any nothing but you ... Lord
The truth is I have had this message so far drive into me that I don't know how to get pleasure in anything that is not long term ...... This is painful to swallow..... Please fill me up Jesus....


Lord just so you know ... You are my love and though I don't unders the last 5 years
I am very thankful for them... I know your hand protect me and that your word is good
And you will finish the good word you started in me ! May your kingdom come !!!!

God is training Me

This life is about God Training us for the next life. He is giving us the Kindom and we will rule with him. We will have free will in heaven but we wont sin because we learned our lesson on earth and no longer have the flesh, or the devil to tempt us.

I have been looking for purpose in this life lately. What God has called me to? Growing up i never got excited for materilictic stuff and that is the same now. Dont get me wrong i like efficitely and things that help me with that but for the most part it doesnt drive me... Then when it comes to business and being a big busienss man... This is a gift but latley the motivation is not there to rule a huge company and makes tons of money....

What excites my heart is God Training me in this life for the next one ... That means having a well balanced life.... That doesnt mean just doing work and neglectrcing the other areas... God wont just have me working in heaven!! no way....

I will have a body in heaven and its vital i take care of it! If i dont take care of this body, then i wont be ready for the body he is going to give me in heaven

I lack community right now and i am seeing how impportant it is to have. If i dont have that, how will people hear about Christ, how will i get fed from them as well?

I need to develop my mind, i have not been very interested in learning much lately. If i dont learn good habits of devleoping my mind here on earth,  then i will have a larging learning curce in heaven...


My big point is this is the training ground here on earth... God wants to mold me and like Jesus said... What we do with the tallon given will have a big effect of what he allows us to manager in heaven... I have no clue how small or big of token he has given me... But i do know i want to spend the rest of my life being wise with the tokens he has given me...


My body is a temple and i need to treat it like so- Feed it well, cut out porn, rest well, excersise,

My mind- Lets fill it with life by learning things about GOd first.....

Work- Lets be dilligent when i am at work.. Work is a training Ground for heaven.... I need to do it effiectily and submit to those that God has put as higher rank them me...

Community- Lets get apart of the church, These our my brothers and sisters and I NEED them