A hunt for beuty
I have been hearing a call in my heart from God to not date yet. Its not that i coudnt or that he is saying no. I belive he is challenging my heart to find healing when it comes to women. We all have our hurts and our hiccups and mine had a great wound when it comes to women. I have searched high and low to answer these wounds and nothing has worked.

I am currently reading the book Capitcated by Stat and John Elderidge. The part this is speaking out to be is how women want to be a needed part of the journey.

God has the feminie quanities of wanted to be desired and to be recongize for his beautfy. I belvie God is speaking to be that i need to find my beatufy first in God. I went for a walk and began to see how much God lavishes beatufy all over creation. He is showing us a piece of him and aching our hearts to chase after more. I belive God is calling me to chase after his beauty at the moment. To explore new areas and experince his beatufy. This is something i have never done. I have always been to focused on carrer ext and really not let this part of my soul enjoy the true beatiful and radiance of God.

Even look at Adam, God loaded up the garden of Eden with beatufy that the heart cant imagine, after Adam began to experienece the amazing beatufy laid before him.. Was he finally ready for Eve.

I am going to take the same approach

I belvie this will create a heart that knows God beatufy first and then can handle the expression of beatufy that a women has to offer. My heart only currenly knows one part of beauty and needs to experience all God beatuy...

Dallas Recap

Awesome time hooking up with my cousins Dallas.

Some great stuff came out of our conversation

1. Truth + culture

Its important to know the truth but its just as vital to live it out in the culture.

We are bringing the kingdom of God to the world. The Kingdom of God is a completely differnt way to live. This comes in to play in every area of our life from how we do work, how we treat our bodies, mind, prayer life ext.... ITs our job to choose what area want to be an expression of the kingdwom of God

Next thing was everything in life is a value exchange... We are trading one value for another...

For example if you want a great body you are trading cheat foods for great food..

We contally in life making value exchange....

 Its vital to know the father heart of God... Allot of times we have to go back in areas that we dont belvie Gods heart was for us in order to get that area healed... This is in everything...!!

A deep Wound

Growing up my mom abused me verbally and physiologically. She hated being challenged and still does to this day. She would lash out for hours on me and then convice my dad and sometimes the rest of my family what i did was wrong. He would come down stairs and build my trust and then tell me how much my mom loves me and that I need to apologize to her for the way i treated her. She would start these fights over any detection of her authority being challenged. I would be sinned on for hours and then i would be guilted into apologizing. This has created a guilt any time i feel any connection with a women that I feel any affection towards i feel immediate shame. This area needs allot of work.
To cope with these issues i created an alter persona MW which for me is how i am able to public speak so well, sale . The problem is MW allows me to completely guard myself but it he never allows me to be myself. As soon as i reveal mark to women i feel a connection to, i feel immediate shame and cant deal with the pain. I hear hours of shame that makes it so i distance myself. I feel so much distance that the idea of opening up is to much. If a simple text, creates hours of guilt. Imagine a real conversation. This has allowed me to attract women and then get them to flee. Hurt has been caused and i frankly didnt realize it until now.

Somoene close to me was sadly my latest victim. This poor girl tried every way to get to know me but the pain got to unbearable. I even convinced my buddies she was just an adulterous women and that i needed to flee. Though she may not be walking with God. I never even befriended her. TO me the pain was to much..

Its going to be important that i learn how to battle this shame which i hear constally. ALso, that God tranforms my mind to reveal how i am to treat women.

we all want validation in order to block the wound. Sex is one of the deepest form of this validation. Its why Push pull works so well. It tells people they are worth it or wait they arnt. It exploits the lie and then gets them to give away there most valuble part of their body for validation.

We all have wounds and important as a beliver in Jesus i dont feed the wound but instead help destory it. Jesus please continue to heal my wound and help me to be a life giver to others.


Dear Diary

Been a rough past couple days. I frankly hurt someone  close to me. Seeing how this diary is about me i will keep writing about myself.... My child hood was smeared in allot of mental torment by the hands of my mom who happens to me a therapist. She would mentally torture me for hours at a time. Its really a wound that has caused me with any women that i feel vulnerability  towards to get completely guarded. I sadly feel the pain constantly when i get vulnerable at all. The movie Good Will Hunting would be a good description of what i went through .. except instead of physical torture mine was mental and seeing how no one reads this blog but me a good clip would be  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYa6gbDcx18

I share this with you to let you know how much i appreciate your friendship. Rarely do you in life run into a human that is just so kind, sweet, sincere and just a bundle of joy. Let NO one tell you different especially me.

I have hurt enough people because of this wound and frankly i haven't been able to sleep knowing i hurt one more....

Writing this is not easy for me and while i realize you need your distance... Don't be surprised if i need mine.. i will feel this pain as soon i hit submit....

Mark Watson

Having trouble recovering

i have just about out of debt. I have 10 k put away and yet I
Don't have the motivation to workout , learn new things or just wake up..

These last 5 years were soooo difficult ... That I don't even know how to share it

I don't know how to make commitment , or even workout... I just feel nothing will last

There has been so much change .... Farmers , paramount , solar city , smart Enegy , sun power
Sun run, sun solar , PetersenDean ... Then watching at my new company them fire people left
And right ..... I fixed my eyes so much on on work that my health deteriorated but what choice did
I have I was in 42 k of debt with no health insurance ..... I had terrible acid reflux , a wheat and dairy allergy , a hernia, asthma .... I had no clue I had any of these .... How was I suppose to work out i tried.....
........... I am hurt Lord..... I learned a ton from this but i don't know how to swallow it all .. I know you are good but I have trouble seeing why so much of this was necessary ...

I know the heart is your focus and mine is having trouble beating any more ... I don't know at all
What tomorrow brings.... Jesus I want to wake up excited again, I want to rest again , feel like
My future is hopeful .... I know the answer is don't put your hope any nothing but you ... Lord
The truth is I have had this message so far drive into me that I don't know how to get pleasure in anything that is not long term ...... This is painful to swallow..... Please fill me up Jesus....


Lord just so you know ... You are my love and though I don't unders the last 5 years
I am very thankful for them... I know your hand protect me and that your word is good
And you will finish the good word you started in me ! May your kingdom come !!!!

God is training Me

This life is about God Training us for the next life. He is giving us the Kindom and we will rule with him. We will have free will in heaven but we wont sin because we learned our lesson on earth and no longer have the flesh, or the devil to tempt us.

I have been looking for purpose in this life lately. What God has called me to? Growing up i never got excited for materilictic stuff and that is the same now. Dont get me wrong i like efficitely and things that help me with that but for the most part it doesnt drive me... Then when it comes to business and being a big busienss man... This is a gift but latley the motivation is not there to rule a huge company and makes tons of money....

What excites my heart is God Training me in this life for the next one ... That means having a well balanced life.... That doesnt mean just doing work and neglectrcing the other areas... God wont just have me working in heaven!! no way....

I will have a body in heaven and its vital i take care of it! If i dont take care of this body, then i wont be ready for the body he is going to give me in heaven

I lack community right now and i am seeing how impportant it is to have. If i dont have that, how will people hear about Christ, how will i get fed from them as well?

I need to develop my mind, i have not been very interested in learning much lately. If i dont learn good habits of devleoping my mind here on earth,  then i will have a larging learning curce in heaven...


My big point is this is the training ground here on earth... God wants to mold me and like Jesus said... What we do with the tallon given will have a big effect of what he allows us to manager in heaven... I have no clue how small or big of token he has given me... But i do know i want to spend the rest of my life being wise with the tokens he has given me...


My body is a temple and i need to treat it like so- Feed it well, cut out porn, rest well, excersise,

My mind- Lets fill it with life by learning things about GOd first.....

Work- Lets be dilligent when i am at work.. Work is a training Ground for heaven.... I need to do it effiectily and submit to those that God has put as higher rank them me...

Community- Lets get apart of the church, These our my brothers and sisters and I NEED them

Who is the source?

If you were the one that created your own success ! Then you have full rights to all you earned. In fact if it taken from you! You have full rights to be upset, because you earned it! You have full rights to get what you earned!

The big question is who created the success?

The problem is when we belive we create our own success we have deceived our selfs and insulted our creator

Before we even drive to work in the morning, who woke us up? Who made sure our body was well rested? Who made sure that we wernt robbed last night? Who allowed our minds to refresh from the stress the day before? Who made sure we have food on the table? Who made sure that we had oxgen? Who made sure the sun didnt get 10 feet closer to the earth and burn us to 1 million pieces? Who made sure that our bodies would wake up?

We didnt do any of these things! God literally does it all! And yet we think we our owed these things and  if one of these things doesnt go perfectly right.. Then we have full rights to complain!!

Where does this mindset come from? The belief that we create our own sucess. That truly we are the source...

When you belive you are the source of life, you take on and expect all rights of what you belive you are owed. When you dont get what you belive you are owed you upset !

Dont get me wrong the source has the full right to be upset! The problem is we arnt the source only Jesus is!
So anything we are given is god lavhing is grace on us! We didnt earn it he simply gives us grace because he loves us!

When our mindset shifts from we are the source of everything and instead he is the source of everything. We began to view things oppposte. We now appreciate everything we receive because its not owed to us. In fact we began to fall in lvoe with our fathers who spoils us. It creates an attitude of thankful ness and it growns our faith.

How does it grow our fatih? We began to see gods  grave in everything. As we more and more, recognigze gods grace. We see the evidence of God all around us. That strengths our faith and allows us when diffcult situations coems turn to our source for strength not ourself. As our faith grows, our ability to rest in Gods word grows as well. This allows us to expeice a rest that other wotn be able to expeerice

My God you

Dear Jesus

I am down but i want to thank you!

I cant imagine how down you must of felt when you suufered on the cross.. Talk about an injustice.. You did nothing wrong and laid your heart for everyone....... And suffered a penalty that no man but you could ever bear......

Every knee will bow down because of what you did...... You deserve all Glory for ETERNITY


Thank you for giving me an opportunity to work with Bob.
God i want the best for him and my hope is that you bless him through this.
Please bring him back to kids and his wife.. God this situation looks impossible but i know that is the business you are in... Taking the impossible and making it possible



I am so confused to be leaving another company when we are in the money..... It tears at my heart and makes me question why !!!!!

I simply cant be in buisness with Bob and Leo.... I have to look past the money and look at doing the right thing.. Bob buisness practices are questionable at best and Leo may be the worst business owner i have ever witnessed..  I cant built my future with these 2..... Damn it tough though...

God I asked for a journey that brings me close to you and boy you have given it.... Please allow me to feel your presence because right now i feel my soul is torn.......

God you are my only hope... you are the great creator,,,, You are MY God! I will once again bank it all on you........ WHen my hope starts fading out,,, my strengh wears out.. i know i am not alone...... My God you are beatiful love... my god you are... A beatiful love... MY god you! A beatiful love... My god YOU ARE!!!! a beatiful LOVE... My god you are are un changin llove... My god your heart sends hope from above....

Thanks that i have been reedemed... There is Life because of your victory.. YOU ARE MY GOD!!!